


Kisses Like Grenades

by VirtusFortitudoEtSapientia



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Armin Arlert is a Little Shit, Discussion of Penis Size, Long Hair Armin, M/M, Non-Consensual Kissing, Tall Armin Arlert, all grown up, bad jokes abound, but not really, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:00:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21801805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VirtusFortitudoEtSapientia/pseuds/VirtusFortitudoEtSapientia
Summary: (Title taken from Six Shooter by Coyote kisses)'Jean doesn’t say anything, but nods over to one of the solitary bathtubs – primarily for washing rather than soaking, but there’s someone enjoying it anyway. The man reclining in it is obviously way too tall to fit, with his knees bent double and his shoulders still above the rim, but that just works in Eren’s favour anyway.Because this guy is gorgeous.'Armin returns from a three year mission a changed man; he's taller, stronger, more confident - and he's got love on the brain, with a very specific Captain. Said Captain may or may not need a little convincing.
Relationships: Armin Arlert/Anka Reinberger (mentioned), Armin Arlert/Levi, Armin Arlert/Rico Brzenska (mentioned)
Comments: 18
Kudos: 72





	1. And So It Begins

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LoloGirl1225](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoloGirl1225/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Title taken from Six Shooter by Coyote kisses)
> 
> 'Jean doesn’t say anything, but nods over to one of the solitary bathtubs – primarily for washing rather than soaking, but there’s someone enjoying it anyway. The man reclining in it is obviously way too tall to fit, with his knees bent double and his shoulders still above the rim, but that just works in Eren’s favour anyway.
> 
> Because this guy is gorgeous.'
> 
> Armin returns from a three year mission a changed man; he's taller, stronger, more confident - and he's got love on the brain, with a very specific Captain. Said Captain may or may not need a little convincing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a couple notes about this one:
> 
> I'm aware that Armin is rather OOC in this one. He's meant to be - as in, I have specifically written him this way. By the last chapter, everything should be explained. Not perfectly, but I have tried to justify it.
> 
> All of the characters in this are aged up as the main premise of this is that Armin has been missing for three years and has changed in that time. This only works as 17+ in ages when he left. So the 104th are around 19/20ish years old.
> 
> Now, also please note that this is a first draft. I originally intended to completely re-write this into something more serious and a little more true to all of the characters according to the manga (though disregarding the events), and I may still do so. I have the beginning already written, with a plot and everything. I will leave this up when/if I finish the rewrite, as the rewrite will likely come out as something different altogether.
> 
> That said - enjoy!

Kisses Like Grenades

Chapter One: And So It Begins

_'We're like the legend of the phoenix_  
_Our ends with beginnings_  
_What keep the planets spinning_  
_The force of love beginning'_

* * *

The reunion happens, unintentionally, in the bathhouse.

Eren and the others have taken over one of the medium pools, stopping any of the men milling around the water-logged hall from using it – Connie even instigates a ‘password’ process that’s completely useless but fun to use against Jean for a while. He leaves to piss and comes back to find the ‘password’ has changed and none of them will let him in unless he completes a ‘ritual’. It culminates in his hopping around on one foot while chanting Sina’s national anthem and eventually tumbling into their pool anyway, much to the amusement of everyone around them.

But once the excitement is over, they settle back around the edge of the pool to gossip in the usual fare. Eren’s just started pruning when Jean nudges him in the ribs.

“What?”

Jean doesn’t say anything, but nods over to one of the solitary bathtubs – primarily for washing rather than soaking, but there’s someone enjoying it anyway. The man reclining in it is obviously way too tall to fit, with his knees bent double and his shoulders still above the rim, but that just works in Eren’s favour anyway.

Because this guy is _gorgeous_.

“Who _is_ that? I’ve never seen him before.” Jean mutters, and yeah – there’s a tell-tale flush across his cheeks too, which makes Eren feel marginally better. The man in the tub is familiar but not enough to spark a name. “Pretty sure I’d remember a body like _that_.”

What little they can see of it is well-sculpted, hot-water pinked and smooth. There are a few small white scars – but who doesn’t have them, here? – and some dark freckles in various ( _kissable_ , Eren’s mind supplies) places.

But the kicker is the long, _long_ blonde hair flowing over the sides of the porcelain, blanketing his neck and shoulders, tips brushing the wet floor. It’s still mostly dry, half-hiding his face with thick locks and shines gold in the sunlight streaming through the huge, high-set windows.

All Eren can tell is that, though there are some similarities, it’s not Eld. Which is a shame, because in all the years they’ve been on the same squad, he’s never seen the man with his hair down; disappointing, considering it was Eld that had him questioning his sexuality in the first place (the hair was just the beginning). This man is clean shaven, and in profile his jaw is strong, slightly rounded, and his cheeks have a soft quality that speak of youth. His nose is slightly upturned, but he’s turned just enough away that Eren can’t see his eyes.

“Damn.”

“I know, right?”

He doesn’t get to comment anymore because there’s a slam of the door and all eyes turn to Levi, who has stormed in looking irate about something.

He’s fully dressed, even to his boots, but he stomps in with little care and Eren knows that _someone_ is going to die. As one, the whole group shrink down into the water.

Unfortunately that someone looks to be the Adonis in the bathtub; when Levi spots him his eyes narrow and the man’s shoulder muscles tighten (oh, _Goddess_ ) before he flails slightly and _slips_ under the water.

“Oh no you fucking don’t!” Levi growls, and marches over. In the next moment he’s got a hand full of that _lovely_ blonde hair and he’s dragging the man back up –

Holy _shit._

 _Holy_ shit.

_Holy shit._

Whoever this guy is, he has _balls._

 _Sina_ help them all.

As Levi drags him back up he breaks the surface with a gasp – then a familiar _laugh_. Then with dripping wet hands he’s grabbed the holy cravat and the next thing anyone in the bathhouse knows, he has tugged Levi closer and they’re _kissing._

Or, no, Adonis is kissing Levi, with a visible tongue and muffled giggles and all the while, Levi is frozen against him. Adonis starts to slip back down into the water, dragging the Captain with him, and it’s that that wakes Levi up enough to respond.

Which he does. Messily. He flails ( _Levi_. _Flailing_.) for a full minute before slapping the hands off his clothing and _shoving_ Adonis back into the tub. The water waves over the sides to the point that Levi ends up soaked but barely notices, too busy stuttering.

“You – did you- you little-”

He can’t seem to decide what he wants to say and ends up gaping like a fish while Adonis straightens back up in fits of laughter. After a full five minutes, Levi turns on his heel and stomps out again, red-faced and quite possibly plotting murder.

Adonis calls after him in a strangely familiar voice, still laughing; “No, I’m sorry, Captain, don’t go! What were you going to say?”

But he’s already out the door with a bellowed “ _FUCK YOU, ARLERT_!”

And Eren’s mind _stops_.

That’s not –

That _can’t be_ –

He _wouldn’t-_

Would he?

Jean is stammering aloud beside him. Marco is full on gaping. Connie is cackling and Reiner is _beaming_ , while Bertolt looks extremely concerned, eyes flicking between the still-giggling blonde and the door.

 _No_.

“Armin?”

The blonde stills, but he’s still smiling when he turns his face to look at them and now there’s no mistaking that nose, sweetly snubbed, or those eyes, huge, blue and twinkling mischievously in a way Eren had only ever seen when they were plotting pranks as children. He feels his own eyes go wide and is already trying to reconcile this god-like figure to the tiny-bodied bookworm of a boy that disappeared three years ago without explanation. Well, that’s not entirely true. Erwin _had_ given them an explanation; _‘He’s not in danger, but you won’t hear from him for a while. Leave it now, Eren.’_

“Hey.” He replies, and it’s the same voice, the same accent that Eren has missed so _badly_ , but there’s an underlying confidence to it now that had never been there before.

Shit.

He’s going to cry.

And even after all this time, Armin picks up on that. Their eyes are locked, blue on teal, when concern crosses the blonde’s face, and he breaks the gaze to reach for his towel, then stands.

And keeps going.

And _keeps. Going._

By the time he has stepped out of the tub, the final physical differences have become clear. Besides the loss of baby-fat from his face, leaving behind a stronger jaw, a more mature face but without losing the softness that has always been _Armin_ , he is broader, his muscles more defined and he now walks over to the pools standing tall.

Really, _really_ fucking tall.

Then he stands by the edge wearing nothing but a peek-a-boo towel, and calmly states, “Jean’s a pussy.”

It takes him a minute to remember, but already everyone but Jean is falling over themselves laughing – it’s the changed password, and when Jean figures it out he laughs too.

Connie stands and bows.

“Welcome, noble traveller.” He motions Armin in, and the blonde drops the towel and slips into the water, coming to a rest next to Eren.

Apparently he didn’t only grow height-wise, either, and the traitorous thought reddens his cheeks before he can dismiss it; instead of commenting, however, he just turns to his long-lost best friend, and dumbly mutters, “Hi.”

He still feels emotional, and it’s obvious in his voice and the way Armin cracks a small, sad smile.

“Hi Eren.”

Armin sits taller than him in the pool – by a _lot_ – but it makes it easier to bury his face into the warmth of his chest (definitely more muscular, _damn_ ) and he _doesn’t blush_ when Armin basically pulls him onto his lap and they sit cuddling in the water.

“Hey, do we get a go?” Reiner teases, and Eren groans.

“Fuck off. My best friend. Go cuddle your own.”

When he looks back, Reiner has grabbed Bertolt in a headlock and is rubbing his cheek against the gentle giant’s crown – much to the taller of the two’s apparent embarrassment. Connie and Jean look at each other, then in unison shake their heads with twin “Nah”s, but Marco –

Marco is bright red and trying not to look at any of them, until Jean takes pity on his best friend and throws an arm over his shoulders to tug him close.

“Dude, am I the only lonely one here?” Connie looks aghast, and Armin pulls one arm away from Eren to offer it to the short male.

“You can always join us.”

“No thanks, there’s only room for the three of you over there.”

Armin blinks, and Eren doesn’t get it until a slow _smirk_ spreads across his cheeks and Eren finds himself going bright red.

“Pretty sure that thing’s actually bigger than you, Connie.” Marco mutters, shoulders shaking though his face is hidden in Jean’s neck. This time Armin’s the one flushing, especially when Connie just nods in agreement.

Eren doesn’t climb off Armin’s lap until they are dragged out of the bathhouse by the dinner bell, after which Armin throws an arm over his shoulder and doesn’t let go except to let them dress, then replaces it with a shared grin. They make it to dinner late, and the entire journey Eren is too busy marvelling at the fact that previously five-four Armin is now _taller than Bertolt_.

Like, _how_?

When they get there, the girls are already halfway through their meal; though even Ymir drops her spoon when she spots Armin with his arm around Eren’s shoulders laughing with Marco. There’s a moment of _who-_ for all of them but Mikasa, who recognises him immediately.

She stands, eyes him with a soft look.

“Armin.” She says simply.

He just grins back, and then she _throws_ herself at him; he catches her easily and swings her up into a tight hug – her feet dangle off the floor and she looks _tiny_ compared to him, but doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, she’s almost – _almost –_ smiling; her eyes are shining when she presses her face into his hair, plaited into a long rope down to the small of his back.

“That’s not you, Armin, surely?” Krista can’t believe it. Her eyes are like saucers when he puts Mikasa down, and she’s the next to be picked up for a hug.

She barely comes up to his ribcage when he puts her down, which has Ymir in stitches for the rest of the meal, and after Sasha has laid claim to her own greeting, Armin is allowed to fold himself into the bench and pull his bowl – filled by Mikasa – towards him.

“So are we going to talk about wherever the fuck you’ve been or is that classified?” Jean snarks. They’d all guessed, a long time ago, that Armin had been on some sort of mission for the higher-ups, and the hint is that they’re right, when the blonde wrinkles his nose.

“ _I_ haven’t been anywhere.” He emphasises quietly.

“Undercover, then.” Marco nods, just as quietly. “I thought as much.”

The others nod around him, and Eren presses just that little bit harder into Armin’s side.

“I’m sure the news will spread soon enough but until then I can’t say anything. Sorry guys.”

They accept it easily enough, and Connie’s quick to change the subject.

“Alright, let’s talk about something else, then. Like, hm, I don’t know-” He mimes thinking with a twist of his face, and then an epiphany, with a finger in the air. “How about the fact that you just _laid one on Captain Levi in the bathhouse_?”

Armin swallows his mouthful as the girls’ cry _“What?_ ” and uses a handkerchief to ensure his face is clean before looking up. “In a minute.” He says, calm as anything.

“Why in a minute?”

“Because I’m about to do it again.”

“ _What?”_

Like a ghost summoned, Levi is suddenly there, hands slapping down on the table as he stands across from Armin, glaring.

“ _What the fuck do you think you’re playing at?”_

Armin just grins. Eren whimpers.

He’s only just got his friend back and now he’s going to get himself _killed_ , holy _Sina_.

“Hi Captain.”

“ _Don’t you ‘hi Captain’ me, you little shit-”_

Armin’s faster than he used to be – once again, before Levi can react, he’s grabbed a hold of the cravat and lunged forward as he tugs Levi towards him. Before an audience of basically _the whole Corps_ , he fastens their mouths together with a flash of a tongue, and Levi has, again, frozen.

Then, just like before, he snaps back into awareness and slaps at Armin’s hands – then shoves him away with a gasp.

And again, can’t seem to settle on what to say.

“You can’t- don’t- how-!”

His face is going red from the cheekbones across to the tips of his ears and his hands are slowly coming up to rest by his cravat. Armin just grins back at him with a dopey-looking smile, and without another word, the Captain turns on his heel and marches away.

The moment he is gone the hall breaks into cat-calls, wolf-whistles and mutterings; Armin blinks back to reality and goes back to his soup as if nothing has happened.

“What. The fuck?”

All eyes turn to Krista, normally so polite, but right now her jaw has dropped and there is a dark blush stealing across her cheeks. Ymir starts to cackle while Sasha just blinks in shock.

Mikasa, on the other hand, shakes her head.

“Finally going after him, then?”

“Only took me five years and six relationships to work up the courage.” He notes to her, and the table explodes.

“What?”

“Relationships?”

“ _Six_?”

“ _Five years_? You’ve only been gone three!”

Things only get weirder after that.

* * *

_'Last night, I had this dream about you_  
_In this dream, I'm dancing right beside you_  
_There's nothing wrong with just a little bit of fun_  
_We were dancing all night long'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those curious:
> 
> Mike is 196cm tall. Bertolt is 192cm. Erwin is 188cm.  
> Armin is now 198cm. That's 6ft5"
> 
> The idea is that he was tiny because as a child he was malnourished from a young age and that in suddenly getting more than enough of the right nutrition with less rigorous training (ie the MP's or the Garrison - my headcanon is that the Survey Corps are trained the most stringently) he shot up in height. I don't know if this is actually possible irl, btw.
> 
> The author of this fan fiction does not, in any way, profit from this story and all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator(s).  
> Additionally, I do not own or profit from the songs used; Chapter One - Daft Punk Medley, Pentatonix cover.


	2. The Slow Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of immature dick talk, guys, so if that offends you, please stop here. Or, you can skip this chapter but I can't guarantee the next will make much sense without it. 
> 
> Otherwise, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and may 2020 not be the bastard it's already shaping up to be. Thoughts and prayers to Australia and everyone who might be affected by a war between Iran and the USA. My heart goes out to you all.

* * *

The Slow Burn

_Some people say_  
_That oysters make you come on strong_  
_But I don't buy it_  
_I don't believe my diet turns me on_  
_Won't take no pills,_  
_That's the last thing that I need yo do_  
_I can't deny it,_  
_My aphrodisiac is you._

* * *

The surprise kisses keep happening. Every time Levi approaches to try and finally talk (read, murder) Armin, the blonde manages to get his cravat in hand and press their mouths together. The fifth time it happens is, in Reiner's loud-spoken opinion, the most hilarious.

They are lounging around the recreation rooms when Levi comes raging in once more, and Armin immediately perks up, book in hand.

“Captain! You should take a look at this!” He chirps, and Levi is derailed long enough to approach carefully with his brow furrowed.

“Look at what?” He asks once he’s standing beside the armchair Armin is resting in. The blonde smirks, grabs his wrist, throws the book aside and _yanks_ the Captain over his lap as Levi swears – loudly.

“This.” He quips, and dives in for a new kiss, one that goes on a little longer than the last two and is _definitely_ deeper. There is a brief moment where Levi goes lax, stops kicking his feet and almost – _almost_ – touches Armin’s face with a trembling hand, but it passes quickly and he smacks the blonde atop the head to shock him into letting go. It sort-of works. Armin straightens with a pained wince, but his hands don’t let go; one is still on his wrist, the other encompasses the _whole_ of Levi’s left hip.

“What was that for?” Armin whines, letting go of his wrist to rub at the sore spot. The Captain narrows his eyes but doesn’t actually move; he’s already red, but –

Eren squints at the unlikely pair.

Sina help him but –

Levi actually looks – _comfortable?_ The fact that he hasn’t shot out of Armin’s lap right away speaks volumes. And he keeps glancing wide-eyed at the hand on his hip, as if unsure as to what to do.

“What was that for? _What was that for?_ Fucking- I can’t even – let me go, you giant oaf, move it!” He spits eventually, and Armin sighs but raises both hands in the air and sits back.

Levi is out of the room in _seconds_ , and Reiner collapses into fits of laughter.

“He was – you – tiny!” He manages eventually, and Armin flushes a little.

“Is that a _thing_ for you?” Jean asks incredulously, and the flush gets darker. Blue eyes avert to the floor and Eren tries not to laugh.

“Really?”

“Dude, I did _not_ need to know that.”

“Uh…”

“Let’s change the subject.” Marco chuckles, and Armin shoots him a grateful glance.

The next doesn’t happen until a few days later; it’s unseasonably warm and they’ve all gone sans jackets for the day.

Armin has twisted his hair into a messy bun on the back of his head, rolled his sleeves up and every time Eren sees him he is fanning himself with _something_.

“Dude,” Connie informs him the third time they bump into him doing that. “It’s not _that_ hot.”

“You wouldn’t know.” Armin shoots back. “Heat rises.”

He practically runs off chortling when Bertolt – hiding a smirk – has to hold the small soldier back from kicking him. Eren follows Armin at a more sedate pace, chuckling to himself. Wherever Armin has been for the last three years has done wonders for his confidence.

“He’s right, you know. It’s not _that_ hot, just weirdly warm.” He grins. “Something got your temperature up?”

Armin groans and fans himself faster. “Have you _seen_ Levi today?”

Eren has, in fact, seen the Captain; and what he is wearing – or rather, _not_ wearing.

The cravat has been shucked, the usual three layers of vests normally visible under his collar gone, and his uniform jacket left behind. He, like many of the soldiers, has rolled his sleeves up, and his top is only buttoned just enough to stay this side of risqué.

Needless to say, Eren knows exactly what his friend sees in their short superior.

With nowhere to be for the next hour, Armin collapses against the wall in the shade and Eren leans beside him with an easy grin.

“Still not going to tell me what you’ve been up to?” He’s been badgering him for the last few days for any information and Armin has yet to crack – but this time he gives Eren a considering look before sighing.

“Six relationships, Arm’. I need detail on those, at least.”

That gets him smirking, at least.

“Do you remember Ricco?”

“Ricco…Brzenska? The moody chick from the Garrison?”

Armin raises an eyebrow and Eren gapes.

“You _didn’t_.”

“Mm.” He hums. There is an air of smugness to it and Eren snorts.

“Maria. How long’d that last for?”

“Until she found out I was sleeping with Anka Reinberger.” He looks troubled, briefly, but it soon passes. “It was a part of the persona I had to portray but she can bitch-slap like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Dude!”

Armin grins sheepishly, rubbing his cheek in memory, and they fall quiet for a while as Eren tries to process what he’s just heard.

Said process is interrupted by the emergence of a group at the end of the corridor, and they both straighten. It’s the Command team – Erwin has a pile of papers in one hand as he explains something to the five around him – Hanji is listening intently, interjecting something every now and again while behind them, Moblit shakes his head. Mike and Nanaba are also listening carefully, exchanging glances occasionally – and Levi, following Erwin’s words with his usual stoic face.

Eren glances at Armin and groans when something in his best friend’s eyes turns predatory.

“Dude, no. Come on. Not in front of _Erwin_.”

Armin rolls his eyes.

They straighten as the Commander passes, snap out the requisite salutes that he acknowledges with a nod and a smile.

“At ease, men. No need for the formalities.”

They relax, and Eren huffs when Armin’s eyes immediately seek out Levi again. The huff attracts the attention of the whole group, who follow his gaze and break out into grins – with the exception of Erwin, who seems a little puzzled.

At least, until Levi looks up and starts.

“Don’t you fucking dare.” He growls, and Erwin raises his head with a soft “ah” and a suppressed smile. Upon receiving what basically amounts to the Commanders blessing, Armin smirks.

“I don’t know what you mean.” He teases, pushing off the wall. Levi backs away, one hand in front of him as if to warn him off.

“I mean it – don’t you even think-”

Armin pounces.

Jaws drop when the blonde grabs the Captain around the waist with one hand and pulls him flush to his own body. He has to bend practically double to fasten their mouths together but does it easily.

Eren counts. _One…two…three –_

Levi _melts_ against him; Armin’s forearm flexes around his waist and lifts him enough that Levi is left on his tiptoes and has to grab at his shirt to stay upright.

From there –

_One…two…_

He kicks suddenly, legs flailing out and arms reaching up to hit at Armin’s shoulders until the blonde lets go, dropping him down back onto his feet and straightening up.

This time the taller male is the one to walk away, turning back with a nod and a “Commander” to a rapidly-blinking Erwin, and a when he moves past Mike, the rugged Squad Leader holds out a fist with a sniff and a shit-eating grin. Armin bumps it with his own and Nanaba barks out a shocked laugh while Hanji and Moblit both just – stare. Shaking his head, Eren can only try not to snicker too obviously when Armin motions him to follow as he walks away.

Levi is staring after the blonde with a glare, but his hands are clenching around nothing by his sides.

As they leave the Command team behind, they hear Hanji finally speak up in a terrible impression of what is probably supposed to be Levi’s voice.

“’ _I think Arlert’s got a thing for me.’”_ They cackle. “You _think?_ ”

Erwin’s voice is next. “How many times has he kissed you, Levi?”

“Shut up.”

“You mean that’s not the first time? And you still aren’t sure? By the Walls.” That’s Hanji again, and Armin has a hand over his own mouth with glee written all over his expression when Levi snaps another “Shut _up_ ” – and his voice _cracks_.

He’s not the only one who finds it funny. As they round the corner, the Command team break into peals of laughter.

Later, Armin is lying stretched out on his front with Eren beside him on their shared bunk. He’s got a book open under his nose, and a pair of boxy glasses perched on the very tip of his nose. Eren’s counting the seconds until the frames slip off completely – his bets on another thirty seconds _at most_ – when an idea suddenly occurs to him and he wishes it hadn’t.

“Okay, from one gay to another,” He blurts before he can tell his brain to _shut up,_ and Armin blinks, nonplussed before turning with a bemused look. “Which of you would top?”

“Really?” the blonde asks, and turns a page. He flicks the glasses up to where they should be and they slide straight back down again but it’s still the end of _that_ wager. “From what I gather, I would. Not that I’d mind vice versa, of course, but… well.” He gives up on the book and rolls to face him, propping his head up on his fist. “Before I was deployed, I was given intensive training – some of it meant it was just Levi and me alone for a couple of weeks. On the night he left, we got pretty drunk and he said some things…” He grins and pulls his glasses off with one hand. “He talked about his preferences. I talked about mine. Turns out, we’re kind of a matching pair, with kinks, at least.”

“You know each-others kinks?”

“We were _really_ drunk. And only the one. I didn’t think anything would come of it, seen as though at the time I still barely had an inch on him.”

Eren wonders if Armin is as glad as he is that they are the only ones in the dorm.

“So the size difference thing-”

“I always hated being small. I thought if I wanted to explore it I’d have to blackmail Connie, or suck it up and proposition Krista.” He joked. “Everyone has a version of their sexual selves in their head and mine was the total opposite of what I actually looked like.”

It should probably be more disturbing to talk about themselves like this, but it’s not. Maybe it’s because it’s dark, maybe it’s because it’s Armin and they’ve always overshared like this, but it doesn’t bother Eren at all.

“So I have a question, related to that.”

“Go on.”

“You’re not what I would call – ha, uh – _small_ , downstairs.”

Armin flushes. “Oh the joys of a communal bathhouse, where everyone knows your size and still pretends they have the bigger dick.”

Eren snorts. That’s surprisingly accurate. “Right? But, ah. Well. Okay. I’ve seen your dick.” He states bluntly. “And I’ve seen Levi’s ass.”

“So have I.”

“I don’t stare at it on a daily basis like you do, but yeah, it’s not.”

“Not what?”

“Going to fit.”

They both fall silent for a moment, until Eren’s mouth tries to diffuse the awkwardness by _making it worse_.

“As in, you are going to split him in _half_ , I am serious right now. No fucking way is he going to be able to take it-”

“Ohmywallsstoptalking-”

“Like, you could use three bottles of lube and still not get that monster in there, I mean-”

“Eren, _Rose_ , by the fucking Titans-”

“You might want to book six weeks off to give him time to recover and that’s for a one-night-stand, Armin, I feel for the guy right now-”

“ _Eren!”_ Armin moans his name and he stops, finally finding his filter and cutting himself off. They’re both blushing now, definitely, and Eren flops onto his back with a huff.

“Just sayin’” He finishes lamely, and beside him, Armin starts giggling into the pages of his book.

They don’t say anything else for a while, and eventually their dorm-mates – they’re unlucky enough to room with the 104th boys _and_ the 105th upstarts - begin filtering in for the night. Armin is still chuckling to himself when he stands to change for bed, and Eren watches him with calculating eyes as he slips out of his clothes and tugs his sleep-pants from his footlocker. As he pulls them on, Eren catches a glimpse, on purpose this time, and snorts.

“Totally not gonna fit.” He mutters, and Armin springs up with a scandalised “ _Eren!”_

He can’t help it – he starts snickering again, and the blonde groans.

Then jumps on the bed and grabs at Eren’s hands, starting an impromptu wrestling session. They haven’t done this since their Basic days, when they always ended with Armin begging for mercy through gasps of laughter and/or pain. This time they are evenly matched.

At one point Armin leaves himself open on one side and Eren goes in for the kill – or rather, the pinch on a particularly ticklish rib that always proved his undoing before – but Armin pre-empts him and they crash to the floor in a tangle of limbs with a collective cheer from their room-mates.

The reminder that they have an audience brings competition to the forefront and Eren doubles his efforts.

Only to end up on his front, arms held behind his back as Armin sits on his ass and yells at him to yield.

Blonde hair is pooling like silk around Eren’s head, a giveaway to where Armin’s head is and the shifter bucks to try and free himself; but Armin is stronger than he used to be and while Eren manages to roll him onto his back, the taller of the two rolls them over _again_ and he’s back to where he was before, only on a different part of the floor.

“Do you give up?”

“No, dammit!” He continues to struggle but it’s no use. Armin’s got him stuck fast. Eventually, sweating and bruised, he goes limp. “I yield.” He mutters, and the cheer goes up around the room. Somewhere along the line, though, Armin’s gotten sadistic.

“What was that? I didn’t hear you?”

“I said I _yield_ , you fucker!”

“Well if you’re going to be rude-”

The door opens and everyone freezes.

“What the fuck is all this noise?”

It’s Levi. Suddenly Eren is extremely aware of the position he’s in, how close Armin’s monster dick is to his ass, and prays to all three Walls simultaneously that just the sight of Levi isn’t usually enough to give his best friend a boner.

Though if it was, wouldn’t someone have lost an eye by now?

Armin releases his arms and sits back on Eren’s ass for all the world like it’s just a cushion. When Eren looks up, Levi looks torn between laughing and glaring.

“Hi Captain.” They chorus, and the man snorts.

“I should have known it’d be you two brats.” He shakes his head, and then freezes, like something has just occurred to him.

And Eren remembers the state Armin had jumped him in. Shirtless, in loose sleep-pants. Somewhere along the line his hair has come undone and he can picture the mess it must be in from their tousle.

Not only that, but any exercise is usually enough to bring a flush to Armin’s cheeks, and if Eren’s a panting, sweating mess, then Armin is _definitely_ a mess –

“Armin’s dick is eight inches!” He blurts without thinking, and then feels himself go _white_. On top of him, Armin freezes completely and someone in the room snickers.

Levi’s frozen too, hand on the doorknob and eyes uncharacteristically wide. It’s not just his cheekbones that are flushing now, it’s his _whole face_ , and Eren’s mouth is a total masochist because –

“At _least_.”

“You are a dead man, Eren Jaeger. I hope you’ve done everything you wanted to in life because tonight I am going to fucking _murder_ you.” Armin’s hissing in his ear.

He’s about to apologise but Levi moves; he flinches, instead, but the man has just lifted a hand to cover his mouth.

“…eight?” he murmurs, and then shakes his head. “Fucking _Sina_ , Jaeger, what possesses you to divulge a man’s secrets like that?”

Eren isn’t sure if anyone else picks up on it, but there’s a gravelly quality to Levi’s voice that wasn’t there before, and he thinks he might just be given a free pass after all.

“Well, forewarned is forearmed and all that.” Or not. Hand him a shovel, he’s almost done digging his own grave.

“ _Eren, what the fuck are you doing?”_ is hissed into his ear and he wriggles to hiss back,

“What, you didn’t want me to spoil the surprise?”

“Isn’t it a shame,” Armin starts, and Eren has _never_ heard his voice sound like that – low and menacing, laced with _promise_ ; “that if I cut out your tongue it would only grow back?”

Eren shudders.

“Okay, no, I’m so sorry, dude, Captain, that was out of line, it really was.”

“Yeah.” The Captain agrees, cutting whatever Armin is about to say off. His voice has a far away quality to it that makes Eren wonder if Armin might be persuaded to forgive him.

The room is silent while Levi turns around and very calmly shuts the door behind him. Then, chaos erupts.

“What the _fuck_ , Eren!”

“Dude, did you see his face-”

“He looked like Christmas came early, _what?_ ”

“Someone’s gonna get la-id!”

“Are you really eight inches?”

“I heard Levi eats the heads of the guys he sleeps with. Like a praying mantis.”

“Dude, that’s gross.”

“Eight inches, though-”

Under it all, Armin flips Eren onto his back and, still straddling him, glares down at him.

And then slowly, breaks into a wide, wide grin.

“You are the best friend in the world.” He states. “Ever.”

Eren snorts. “Think of me when you have to take him to the medic.” He’s rewarded by a thump to the shoulder, but Armin’s laughter is worth it.

And when everyone has settled down and is about to sleep, Armin pipes up.

“I can’t wait to see Levi’s face when he finds out you’ve lied to him.”

“How did I lie to him?”

“’S not eight inches.”

“Bullshit. There’s no way that things’ any less than eight.”

“’S eight and a _half_.”

“…By the Titans!”

* * *

_Alright,  
I could sniff some kind of rhino horn,  
And go to bed in rubber gloves,  
But I don't need no stimulation,  
Potions, balms or embrocation,  
I'm in love, - in other words..._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not, in any way, profit from this story and all creative rights to the characters and universe belong to their original creator(s).
> 
> I also do not own the song: My Aphrodisiac is You, by Katie Melua.
> 
> For those curious:
> 
> Mike is 196cm tall. Bertolt is 192cm. Erwin is 188cm.  
> Armin is now 198cm. That's 6ft5"
> 
> The idea is that he was tiny because as a child he was malnourished from a young age and that in suddenly getting more than enough of the right nutrition with less rigorous training (ie the MP's or the Garrison - my headcanon is that the Survey Corps are trained the most stringently) he shot up in height. I don't know if this is actually possible irl, btw.


	3. Clarity At Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all; 
> 
> 2020, what the everloving fuck? 
> 
> Second of all; I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to update this. In all honesty so much has happened that I forgot I even had a WIP posted. Thanks to everyone who showed interest in this story - it's not my best but every time I reread it, it makes me smile, so I thought I'd share it. And yes, rewriting it properly is still on the cards. And extra-special thanks to everyone who left kudos or bookmarked.
> 
> Extra-extra special shoutout to XxDimpledRomanxX, MrJonesandMe and LoloGirl1225 for commenting. You guys really made my day.

* * *

Clarity At Last

_It took us a while  
With every breath a new day  
With love on the line  
We've had our share of mistakes  
But all your flaws and scars are mine  
Still falling for you._

* * *

A week later, it all comes to a head.

It happens in the workroom, where those who don’t have offices can go to complete paperwork or read up on the latest regimes. Similar to the library but for the twenty-or-so desks filling the hall and the distinct lack of socialization. Armin is the only one taking the rule seriously, frowning at the page he’s writing on and crossing words out every now and again. Eren is there because unlike Armin, he’s been procrastinating on his own paperwork for far too long and now has a pile up to his elbows to get through.

The others, the bastards, don’t actually have to be there. They’re just there to see Eren suffer.

They get more than they bargained for when a sullen Levi follows a beaming Petra into the room – and Oluo, Eld and Gunther follow him.

Eld waves at Eren when he comes in, and Gunther smirks; the shifter makes a face at both of them and they laugh quietly before joining Petra at her table – she’s chosen one of the group desks at the back.

A thought occurs to Eren, one that he can’t _believe_ he hasn’t wondered before. He looks at Armin out of the corner of his eye and frowns.

It’s one of the rare days he’s left his hair down and it’s pooling around his elbows as he works. He looks – tired. Like he’s stressed. Eren squints.

Like he’s hurting.

He blinks, and turns his gaze to his fellow squad members in the corner. Petra is murmuring quietly to the men around her but Levi – Levi is looking at Armin, and his face is, for once, clear of malice and menace.

Instead he looks…confused. And a little disappointed.

Does he _want_ Armin to approach him again? He had seemed pretty into the last kiss – for at least two seconds, and the conversation they’d overheard, with the cracking voice –

And the look on Levi’s face when Eren had betrayed Armins confidence to the _entire dorm_.

Eren stands, decision made, and grabs Armins wrist.

“Wai-Eren, what-?”

The shifter tugs him out of the room with little ceremony, and once they’re outside, ensures the door is shut before rounding on him with a whisper.

“Are you _in love_ with him?”

Armin gapes. Blinks. Shakes his head and then pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Eren.” He starts slowly, whispering too. “Do you think I would be pursuing him like I have been if I wasn’t?”

Eren narrows his eyes.

“I thought you just wanted to sleep with him. I didn’t know it was a marriage and kids kind of deal-”

“Woah, slow down, no one mentioned _marriage_ , Eren-”

“But you love him? As in, _love_ him?”

Armin deflates, collapsing against the wall and starts fiddling with a lock of hair with both hands.

“…Yeah.” He admits eventually. “I really, really do.” Something makes him freeze and he goes _white_. “Do you think _he_ thinks I don’t?”

“…Well, with the way you kind of just- molest him-”

“Oh _Walls_ …” he groans, and drops his head back with a clunk, which – ouch. But he doesn’t seem to notice. “No wonder he’s been avoiding me. I’ve been going about this all wrong, he probably thinks it’s just all a _game_ and…gah. Fuck. I’m an idiot.”

“…You kind of are.”

“Fuck you, you should be telling me how to fix this, not _agreeing_ with me-”

It’s an intriguing reversal of roles. Usually Eren has always been the one to go to _Armin_ for help when he screws up. He tries not to feel too proud when he throws all of Armins advice right back at him – at least he knows what to say.

“Just talk to him, genius.”

“It’s _Levi_ , Eren. I can’t just _talk_ to him. Why do you think I started doing it this way in the first place?”

And – what?

“What?”

“I just wanted him to notice me.” He mumbles, realises he’s being too loud and starts whispering again. “When I was deployed, I was given this character to play; one who just slept with _everyone_ and never stopped flirting and it _worked_. It got to the point where I just had to _look_ at someone and they’d start falling over themselves to talk to me.”  
“…Dude. Wow.”

Armin laughs. “It sounds really narcissistic, right? But it was what I’d been sent to do and so I worked at it. Helped when I finally started getting taller. But it was a _character._ A _role_. The moment I got the message I was being extracted I dropped it and tried to be me again. And people stopped seeing me. I was just…boring again. Which I don’t mind.” He adds hurriedly, as if Eren’s going to either agree or dispute it.

Which, okay, yeah, he was going to do the latter. He shuts his mouth (with extreme difficulty, but given this is _Armin_ in a _romantic_ crisis-) and lets Armin carry on.

“But Levi came to collect me and it was like – _wow._ How didn’t I see this before? He was like he always is and I just… I wanted him to see me, because I looked different and felt different to how I was before; this time I _could_ be what he wanted, but he just didn’t notice. And then I could only think of the one way to do it.”

“You went back to that character?”

“Just for him. And I realised a couple of nights ago that even if he _did_ reciprocate, would it be for me? Or would it be for an invention? I don’t know how to not be – well. _Me._ _Dull_. Not without acting.”

And Eren is suddenly so, _so_ frustrated with his best friend, who apparently _still_ thinks he’s not worth the world and could never be noticed.

“For Sina’s sake, Armin, you’re _beautiful_. All you need to do is smile and half the Corps is falling at your feet. How could you recognise that as a character but not as _you_?”

“So I _look_ pretty. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I want more than that? That I fall asleep at night wishing I was more interesting, or funny; anything except creepy-intelligent?”

“You _are_ interesting. Come on, you can out-strategize the Commander of the Survey Corps!”

“And how is that any good when anyone who talks to me for more than a few minutes ends up bored half to death?” He snaps, whispering forgotten, and Eren matches his tone.

“That’s not true; you see more than anyone in this damned place-”

“I see things people don’t _want_ me to see. For shits sake, Eren, I wasn’t sent away because I have half a brain!”

“No, you were sent away because from what I can tell, you were the only one who could do whatever the hell they needed you to do.” He growls back. “For once in your damned life will you have a little bit of faith in yourself? You don’t _need_ to play a part to get Levi to love you back, just be – ah-”

They both freeze. That came out an awful lot louder than it was meant to and there is no _way_ anyone in the workroom _didn’t_ hear that. Armin goes white – not just pale but _white_ , bloodless, translucent – and his eyes widen to resemble saucers.

“Tell me I just imagined that you _shouted that_.”

“Uh…”

Not for the first time in his life Eren is glad his body can regenerate quickly. Armin looks torn between crying and _committing murder_. He backs away carefully.

“Okay, let’s just take a minute to think, here, eh, Armin? Not to brag but I’m kind of- necessary to the cause here and no one’s going to thank you if – what are you doing – Armin, Ar _min_ , don’t-”

The blonde is unfolding himself from where he’d slid down the wall at some point, and _oh_ , the new height is a little intimidating, great for cuddles but when backed against the wall –

“Best not to kill him, brat. Not worth the paperwork.”

Armin freezes and goes from white to red so fast Eren’s concerned his friend’s going to pass out, then drops his head to hide behind a curtain of hair. Levi just stands in the doorway, leaning on the wood with his arms crossed over his chest and he looks like he’s trying not to laugh.

“Speaking of paperwork, don’t you have a shit-ton to finish? Both of you?”

Neither of them move, and Levi sighs, unfolding from the door frame.

“Come on, shitty brats.”

He moves behind Eren and shoves him in front of him first, then turns to Armin.

It’s silent for a moment too long, and Eren glances back.

Then forward again to hide the uncontrollable _beam_.

Levi has Armins wrist in one hand, and is slipping the fingers of the other hand in between Armins. Armin is still hiding behind his hair, at this point, but Eren is willing to bet that he’s blinking with wide doe eyes through the curtain.

In the next second Levi’s shoving at Eren’s back again, pushing him into the room and back to his desk – much to the apparent amusement of Connie, Marco, Jean, Reiner and Bertholt, sitting around a group table at the back. They make faces and gestures – and then those gestures freeze, and Eren presumes that Levi and Armin have followed him in.

He sits back down of his own accord and watches as a stoic-faced Levi pulls Armin in _by the hand, they’re holding fucking hands what the fuck,_ and leads him to his previous desk. The blonde sits down without prompting, and Eren watches, gobsmacked, as Levi leans on the opposite side and reaches out to tuck a strand of long hair behind his ear, exposing a tomato-red face. He leans in with his fingers sweeping around and across his jaw, whispers something no one else hears, and Armin _beams_ , eyes scrunching sweetly.

Then Levi is gone, headed back to his own table with a glare at anyone who so much as dares to _smile_ at the display.

Except Eren, who he has to walk past.

Eren gets his hair ruffled.

For the next half hour he gets nothing done, too awe-struck to focus. Over at the Levi-Squad table, they are talking in hushed whispers, all leaning forward intently and badgering Levi, who appears insistent on ignoring them – instead the Captain is watching Armin, who has gone back to his own paperwork with a pleased little smile. Eren goes back to his pile eventually, shaking his head at the wonders of the universe.

Ten minutes after that, Armin stands up.

The whole room goes still, watching carefully. Slowly, he piles his work up into one neat stack, and heads to the Levi table.

“This needs your signature, Captain.” The low request is heard across the hall, and Levi holds his hand out for the papers, and motions Armin to take a seat. He does as he’s bid, slipping in between Eld and Gunther; the first nudges him and gives him a thumbs up, the second offers him a fist bump, which he rolls his eyes at but indulges – and they all pretend they don’t see the way Levi’s mouth twitches up for a split second while he reads the report. After a little while he nods and pinches Petra’s inked quill right from her fingers. She narrows her eyes but says nothing and he hands it back once he’s added his signature to the required page.

Armin takes the pages back silently, waves the inked one a few times to dry the scribble, and then tucks them all into the cardboard wallet. Then he places them carefully on the table, and stands.

With four steps, he rounds it.

With one more, he’s directly next to Levi, and Levi is looking impassively up at him. After a beat, he stands too.

And Armin ducks down, whispers something in Levi’s ear, and the next thing anyone knows, the blonde has a strong arm around the Captains chest and back, has dipped him backwards, and they are kissing again, hidden by the broad line of Armin’s shoulders.

Levi’s hands aren’t hidden, though. Not this time.

Until they are, one buried in Armin’s hair and the other by a fistful of shirt as they keep kissing.

And keep kissing.

 _And keep kissing_.

Eventually, they resurface, with Armin swinging Levi back up, dropping another kiss on his lips, and stepping back. The squad, who Eren belatedly realises haven’t actually seen this happen in person before, are dumbfounded, and Armin grabs his papers and walks away with a wide, goofy smile, leaving Levi to settle back into his seat, once again expressionless.

“That – he-” Oluo stutters, and Petra is red-cheeked and fanning herself but comments anyway.

“It’s one thing to hear about it; quite another to see it in person.”

Eld’s too busy chuckling into his hand to comment, and Gunther just shakes his head.

“Oh, the irony.” He mutters. “You’ll both have neck strain by the end of the week.” There’s a beat of silence, and then the sniggers start – with _Levi._

That night, Armin doesn’t turn up in the dorms.

Everyone knows _exactly_ where he is anyway.

And the next morning, he is found lounging on his bed when they come back from breakfast, half-dressed and sporting some remarkable hickies, and he grins at Eren from underneath his hair.

“Did it fit?” Is the only thing he wants to know, and Armin smirks.

“Nope.”

“I fucking _told you_. What did you do?”

“Oh, we made do.” He answers airily. “We made do.”

When Levi doesn’t reappear for the next three days, Eren makes his mind up that he really, _really_ doesn’t want to know how.

* * *

_It took us a while  
'Cause we were young and unsure  
With love on the line  
What if we both would need more  
But all your flaws and scars are mine  
Still falling for you_

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks to everyone who stuck by this fun little multi-chap. My projects are always slow to appear so your encouragement is always, always appreciated. 
> 
> I do not, in any way, profit from this story and all creative rights to the characters and universe belong to their original creator(s).
> 
> I also do not own the song: 'Still Falling For You', by Ellie Goulding.
> 
> For those curious:
> 
> Mike is 196cm tall. Bertolt is 192cm. Erwin is 188cm.  
> Armin is now 198cm. That's 6ft5"
> 
> The idea is that he was tiny because as a child he was malnourished from a young age and that in suddenly getting more than enough of the right nutrition with less rigorous training (ie the MP's or the Garrison - my headcanon is that the Survey Corps are trained the most stringently) he shot up in height. I don't know if this is actually possible irl, btw.


End file.
